Here goes nothing, its about someone going to heaven.
Eyes ease open,
I’m in death’s cup.
Someone reaches down,
An arm helps me up.
I feel dizzy,
I know I should be dead.
The thought slowly sinks in,
Penetrating my head:
They killed me.
I will burn.
Will be sent to oblivion
In my turn.
I cry out and look up,
Screaming to be heard,
But stutter and fall silent,
Given more than I’ve earned.
An angel stands over me,
Brilliant white and smiling,
A symbol of grace eternally.
Just a pat on my shoulder and the spirit is here.
Surrounded by chaos,
I feel no pain.
A coolness spreads over me,
A grace like rain.
I feel wings sprouting,
And look at the land.
There is nothing for me here,
The angel takes me by the hand.
I jump into the sky,
Wind playing in my hair.
Somehow I’ve learned what to do,
But I couldn’t tell you from where.
The earth sinks away,
And upward I soar with wonder.
Nothing restrains me,
Not pain or worry can pull me under.
Euphoria floods my veins,
For I am dead and flying.
I am free of pain,
I am soaring to heaven.
Droplets cling to my flesh,
My new wings break the clouds.
Above me hover citizens of paradise,
Angels waiting in crowds.
Glistening like a giant pearl,
A city looms over me.
Perfect in every way,
Heaven stretching as far as the eye can see.
I pass under an archway,
And fly over streets of gold.
Somehow I know where to go,
Though I have not been told.
Ahead of me lies gates,
Those structures of pearl and fame.
I slowly fly forward with wonder,
Then a figure calls my name.
A scroll is unrolled,
A message is read.
The words are like a storm cloud,
Hanging over my head.
But then a smile,
And I look up to see
The figure point to the gates,
Which silently open to me.
I have made it,
At last I am here.
I have ascended to heaven,
No more pain, no more fear.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Tassen Spellbinder,
Based sheerly on the fact that you have a lot of fat-trimming to be doing here--that is, cutting unnecessary words and, indeed, lines and stanzas--it was hard for me to take this serious. The verbosity lended to this fact.
Unless your poem is really trying to progress an idea, or else is an epic, the modern reader does not care for long-winded repetitions. You are several centuries late for that, I am afraid.
I think it would be more interesting to know about somebody who dies and goes to Hell, but then, that could just be my morbid side talking.
Best,
Brad
" Lovely, pure magic. Will delight readersof any age over 10."- Jessie
I know that one line sucks, but thats all I could come up with to fit my idea, and nothing at all that rhymed better, sorry. For most of the poem, I tried to make lines 2 and 4 rhyme, but I know in a few parts I goofed.
Okay, I'll be brutally honest: this poem was nothing special. For some reason, I couldn't connect with it. It seemed devoid of emotion, and it just seemed like you were doing a summary or just kinda throwing sentences together for a poem. I like the idea, and some of the rhyming was good, but overall the poem seemed amateurish to me.
Also, you didn't keep a consistent rhyming scheme throughout the poem. As I've stated many, many times before, you either rhyme the whole time, or not at all. Either all or nothing. If you don't have a consistent rhyming scheme, it confuses the reader and has a really inconsistent rhythm which makes it seem like you're plowing through the poem. I'll name a couple of instances:
Just a couple of instances among a few. Go through your poem and pick out the verses that don't rhyme and then read through it again, concentrating on the rhythm and verse structure. You'll see what I mean.
Also, I noticed several awkward wording of lines in your poem. Again, I would suggest reading it out loud and seeing how well it flows. Here's an example:
It's passive and doesn't flow very well. Just one example.
And finally, I noticed that a lot of your verses are in passive voice. Ever heard the phrase, show not tell? Basically, it means that by using strong verbs and strong language, you are showing the reader, instead of telling him by saying things like, "It was", "I noticed", etc. The line I stated above is an example of passive voice.
Sorry I don't have time to do a more in depth crit, but I hope this helped some. Just work on my suggestions and I'm sure your poem will greatly improve! Nice work, tassen!
Wiggy
It's very good, good grammar and spelling. But this part annoys me:
It throws the reader off, atleast it did for me. The last line doesn't rhyme with anything in the sentence like in all the other parts, and it's a tad too long. I know it's hard to fix but I would try. It just ruins the whole part.
Thanks. *looks around sheepishly* it was a death and dying project for language arts, and i decided I liked it
I'm liking this Tassen
Neat Work, Wonderfull Decriptions, very touching 